February 12, 2015

10 Foods Introverts Quietly Love Eating

The mind of an introvert is like a puzzle that's still in the shrink wrap, so piecing together how they keep themselves fed is more speculation than anything. One thing we do know: somehow these walking and not-talking snowflakes stay satiated.
Obviously there weren't any introverts (emotionally) available to be interviewed for this story, so we've come up with our best guesses as to what they eat. Here are 10 foods that fuel their intense introspection.


Nothing says "no one else is around" quite like a warm, steaming bowl of gruel. And the high fiber makes sure the trains move on time in the ultimate fortress of solitude: the bathroom.

Leftover medley

Once an introvert has made the transition to alpha-vert and mastered the art of cooking for one, the fridge becomes a revolving door of Tupperware. Tuesday's broccoli gets combined with Wednesday's leftover salmon and Monday's almost-too-old rice for the type of fully balanced meal that a well-adjusted person would share with another human.

Night cheese

It's not a meal and it's not dessert, but a wedge of sharp cheddar after sundown somehow functions as both. And there's no better way to eat precious crumbles than by hunching over the sink -- a posture popularized by the patron saint of introverts, Gollum.

Delivered Chinese food

It is a known fact that Chinese-delivery guys are much less talkative than pizza delivery guys.

Tuna sandwich

One of the primary curses of introversion is a crippling fear of what other people might think of you, and people definitely would judge you for eating a tuna sandwich. It is therefore a succulent pleasure to partake of a sandwich with an unwavering stench that sticks to you like a Snuggie during a Netflix marathon. But who cares? It's just you, your tuna sandwich, and all 18 episodes of Freaks and Geeks.

Not delivery, DiGiorno

The only thing that is done alone more than eating a DiGiorno involves visiting a website that rhymes with Lornfub.


A deep inhale of air that hasn't been breathed by other humans is intoxicating to an introvert. The closest thing food-wise is the crisp sound of a knife releasing the oh-so-subtle aroma of cuke. It's pristine, untouched, and misunderstood. And left to rot by 90% of people who buy them.

Trays of food at parties

Talking to people is scary! Talking to a meat plate is easy.

Salad dressing

Introverts are all about personal world-building, and that world usually includes an arsenal of ways to spruce up spring mix. Making a salad is like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. Creamy balsamic or sesame vinaigrette? Indulge in a thick Caesar or get a little wild with Thousand Island? The choice is entirely yours. And NO ONE CAN JUDGE.

Anything on a menu

It's hard to eat in a restaurant, what with all those people staring and the server constantly asking questions and insisting on choices under pressure. So whatever food is served, an introvert is going to love it... even if they didn't order a burger. They're not complaining -- that would require confrontation (gasp!), and they just want to continue eating this burger they never ordered.

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