February 07, 2016

23 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn't always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Sanders supporters banned from Tinder after campaigning on dating app

Hey, it wouldn't be the first time I used Tinder and felt the burn.

2. Virginia lawmakers: ‘Adults must check children’s private parts before entering restroom’

1 They should have added, "But you know, in like, a totally not pedophillic way."

3. Meet the man who spent 12 years trapped inside his body watching ‘Barney’ reruns

1 Think I found the definition of Hell, guys.

4. Woman believes her goats are being sexually assaulted

I blame ISIS.

5. Ice skaters use 'boar curling' to rescue stranded pigs from the ice

If the Olympics ever wanted to make curling watchable...

6. Bookshop’s prices shot down 10% for customers openly carrying guns

1 Because book thieves are notoriously violent.

7. Lawmaker wants apology from meteorologist who dissed Punxsutawney Phil

Phil should release his own diss track: "F*ck meteorology!"

8. Man, woman charged after argument over broken Lego structure turns physical

1 If there was ever reason for a divorce...

9. The Case for Putting Weed Up Your Vagina

No. There is no case.

10. The horniest dinosaurs were the sexiest, scientists claim

1 It's scientific finds like this that make life worth living.

11. Man lives to 107 'by only drinking red wine'

He's too wasted to die.

12. Man wearing handgun open carry robbed in Newport News, police say

You see the trouble with open carry laws is you can pinpoint guys who have smaller guns than you.

13. Swiss authorities ban 'noisy' silent discos


14. Coldplay honored by Super Bowl but puzzled by game

1 Let's take a moment to appreciate the way the dude on the left (your left) is looking at the ball. "But if it's called football...?"

15. 'Act less smart,’ Saenuri lawmaker advises female politicians

US Male politicians got that shit down pat.

16. Benefits family get £26,000 in one lump sum - and buy a raccoon

1 Finally, a lower-income family is using their lump sums of welfare money on worthwhile things.

17. Americans spent more on legal pot last year than on Cheetos, Doritos

But...shouldn't there be a positive correlation?!

18. German far-right nationalist party accidentally calls to deport Germans first

1 You know it's easy to confuse things when you're a racist f*cking idiot.

19. Women More Sensitive to Annoying Behavior

I guess that's why women can't stand each other.

20. Goldman Sachs Says It May Be Forced to Fundamentally Question How Capitalism Is Working

Don't hold your f*cking breath.

21. Pimp my ride: Hamas proudly shows off a tank, turns out to just be a car

I've seen high-school kids rice out their cars with way more elaborate body kits after watching The Fast & The Furious.

22. Kate Winslet breaks silence on Titanic raft end: 'He could have actually fitted'

1 I mean I've only been saying this forever.

23. Man hooks up with girl on FB, only to find she's his wife


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